While I still can act a little reckless, I like to think I’ve learned to be much more responsible and independent. In the nearly 10 years since, I have grown up a great deal and I have a lot more respect for my friends and myself. Adolescence is wrought with challenges and hard decisions and bad decisions, and we learn from them. Astonishingly, my friend replied, “I did too.” I don’t think it makes us bad people. For the first time I actually uttered the words “I lost my virginity to my best-friend’s boyfriend.” I was incredibly relieved to finally be able to own up to my past. It’s the manner in which it came about, and that I should’ve known better. I don’t want to say losing my virginity wasn’t a big deal, but the sex aspect isn’t what makes me cringe. I betrayed her friendship for something as insignificant as sex, because in a twisted way I thought it made me more like her. Reflecting back on our friendship, I have since come to understand I didn’t just want to be like Mary, I wanted to be Mary.
We eventually reconciled somewhat and became friendly with each other senior year. I was ashamed, am ashamed for how disrespectful I was to my friend, and also to myself. She was betrayed, and we had our own messy break-up. They were back together a few days later. I lost my virginity to my best friend’s boyfriend. I waited on the sidewalk for my Dad to come pick me up in a sort of a daze, thinking about what had just happened. It didn’t “just happen.” I was complicit in my deceit. I can’t plead total innocence on possible scenarios involving me hanging out with my best friend’s boyfriend alone in his room while drinking alcohol. He had probably called me to talk about his distress, and I had probably gone to his house under the pretenses of continuing my counseling in person. Malcolm and Mary had recently broken up again. Our flirtation had started casually enough and evolved into a very frustrating temptation that I started to encourage. I don’t remember exactly how I ended up on his mattress that night, with him offering to massage my back. I preferred when we could all hang out happily together. I was stuck in the middle of their drama, trying to assuage both sides. Malcolm would call or text me sometimes late at night when Mary wouldn’t answer his calls. Their relationship was pretty tumultuous - it got to the point where one week they were dating and the next week they were broken up. But what I really wanted was my own boyfriend. I was certainly attracted to Malcolm, and I desperately longed for teenage love. Of course I was a little jealous of Mary. We did everything together, and I was sad that we now had this seemingly huge disparity between us. But I felt a little smaller or childish in comparison. She said she didn’t really feel any different and actually it wasn’t that big of a deal. I would even sneak him into my house when Mary spent the night and he would sleep between us, sneaking out early in the morning to ride his skateboard home. I was always hanging out with Mary, and now so was he, so we got to know each other pretty well. (Who wouldn’t be?) I loved hanging out with Malcolm, and the three of us had some pretty great times together. He was also very into Mary, which I thought was great. He was 17! He skated, listened to cool music, smoked cigarettes and weed, and was totally hot. Then Mary started dating Malcolm*, and our two-some evolved into a three-some.
Yes, we sewed sweet patches to our hoodies, and looked pretty cool with our studded belts. We were sometimes considered a single entity. We even adopted each other’s habits and vernacular. We dressed similarly, listened to the same music, hung out with the same people. She always said the right thing, and acted the right way to come off as the perfect combination of cute and badass. She was gorgeous, funny and had an awesome sense of style. She was even there the night of my first kiss, on the couch next to me, and then again in the front seat when I was in the back seat giving my first blowjob.
We got drunk for the first time together, smoked pot and tried various other substances for the first time together, tried our first cigarettes, learned how to sneak out of my house and cut class. Mary and I did absolutely everything together, including a lot of firsts. In the beginning of High School my best friend and co-conspirator was Mary*. If pressed for more details, I would lie and say I lost it to a boyfriend. I’ve never told anyone more than a vague account of my “first time” if the topic of virginity comes up.